I guess putting all the eggs in one basket in anything we do is really not wise. Perhaps it was my mistake. I was so caught up in the whole thing, maybe even taking it to be a lot more than it really is, which resulted in me putting all my effort and time in it; so much so that I neglected everything else. On hindsight, it was perhaps quite stupid of me to do that. Now that it's fallen short (or perhaps just from my point of view; perhaps I had expected too much, perhaps unrealistically much), I feel lost, alone - a void; a void which I'm stuggling to fill. On one hand, I hang on to the slim possibility that things might change, on the other hand.. nothing actually, now that I think about it. My starting point was wrong I guess. Now I realise how bitter I've become. I seem incapable of feeling happy for others - precisely what I didn't want to become. I also realise how insecure and lacking in confidence I've become.

I need to learn to live for myself. Do what I want, by my rules. I need to learn how to filter out useless things, I need to plan my own time according to my own schedule. I need to face reality. I need to stop being in denial. I need to be bring myself out of this vicious cycle of self pity and self destruction. I guess I need something else to focus on now. Apart from work of course. I also need to stop being so lazy. I need to be less of a perfectionist. Perfection really does not exist. There will always be someone, something, some way better. I need to work with what I have and make it special. Make it me. I need to be patient. But I need to be more decisive. I need also to know the difference between waiting out for something better and being indecisive. I need to be courageous. I need to take chances. I need to learn how to deal with less than ideal outcomes. I need to learn to let go of the past. Even the good times. They are memories, no more, no less. We can never go back to the past.

I guess, most importantly, I need to have faith.