Clutter

I am such a sad person these days. Sad deposition, cluttered mind, craving for certain attention, resentful, the list goes on. How had I gotten to this point? So much noise in my head, so many things I need to and should be doing but always opting for something else in the end. Then the regret and disappointment comes. And I will either write about it here, or in my head.

Procrastination, regret, mind-clutter. The cycle repeats.

Some part of me thinks that I no longer have an interest in living, in that nothing excites me nor drives me to face each day. Maybe because everyday feels like a dead-end game. Maybe because I have tried so many times in so many ways and I find myself in no better a position than yesterday.

I am tired.

Somedays I think, I never truly lived. For e first 20-odd years of my life, I spent my days trying to sort out things at home. Trying to solve what my naive self thought could be solved. My next few years was spent considering then finally accepting the fact that the problem cannot be solved by me. And here I am now with a frazzled mind.

Somedays I wonder if it's my own attitude that is changing. That is causing me to see and be consumed by the flaws in my environment. And I think, yes, it is indeed changing. But was it my own bad character that had surface? Or was I merely being twisted by the environment I live in? A bit of both perhaps. Yet should that be an excuse? What about the million and one other people who are living in worse environments than me? What about those who live in abusive environments, survived and blossomed?

Is the logical conclusion then, be that I am simply not strong enough? It seems to suggest this.

Take for example, how my friends are moving on with their lives. How some are getting married, recently attached etc. I fear it. I fear the day when all my friends start having their own families and I will have no one to turn to when things get tough. Especially those whom I always turn to. What then? What should I do then? Plus I have no interest in settling down. I have no faith in the constitution of marriage. The apple never falls far from the tree. This fear cripples me when I sit down and really think about it. Yet this situation will happen, oh yes it will. And does this not illustrate the fact that I am really very weak?

And the weak, they say, will die off. Evolution theory. Survival of the fittest. No longer applicable to just being physically fit. It's everything. Physical, mental, spiritual. I have none of the above. And my sloth and penchant for procrastination causes me not to seek them. I am now what people will call, an empty shell. I am simply existing. No more than that.

I have also noticed how much more I am affected by what others perceive me to be. I have realised how much it has accumulated with me knowing.

I'm suffocating. I seem to have reduced to this small sad girl alone at a corner. I am crying inside everyday. Crying for a change. Crying for help.

But really, who bothers? Who cares? Everyone has their own lives to lead, their work, their own problems to deal with.

And who will help me if I don't take the first step myself?