don't make me laugh

Don't think you're the only fucking sandbag. Did you ever for once realise that me and bro are your sandbags too? You've tolerated mom for a long time? Ha, don't make me laugh. Did it ever occur to you that we had to tolerate the BOTH of you and all your unresolve shit from the past, and still have to be disciplined and take instruction from BOTH of you, one who doesn't want to acknowledge that some fault lies with her and the other who ALWAYS thinks he's right?

No? You don't agree that you're always thinking you're right? Then let me ask you, how many times have any of us won an argument with you? You said it yourself, if the same thing keeps happening over and over again, then the fault must lie with the common denominator of all the instances. Have you ever thought for once that some fault actually lies with you?

If you haven't realised, I'm quite tired of it. If you haven't realised, I've been trying to mediate between the 2 of you since I was fucking five. FIVE. If you haven't realised, I've started to leave this to brother, because I don't know how much more of this I can take. If you haven't realise, he is younger than me. If you haven't realised, there is no one for him to push this responsibilty to. What's gonna happen then?

You want to burn down the house with us inside, go ahead. That way, perhaps if I retaliate and end up killing you, my sentence will be reduced to justifiable homicide. Of course, that's assuming I get out of the burning building alive. Haha.

Perhaps the next time another fight breaks out, I should get let them kill each other. But I can't. It's my inability to see a family member or friend hurt or unhappy. And that, I suspect, is what will ultimately destroy me. Actually, it already is.

I wonder how it would be like if I really lost it.

Will I become overcome with blind rage, violent and savage, throwing things, breaking things, pounding walls still my fist are bloody perhaps even turning a knife to my parents or maybe my jagular?

Or will I simply collapse in a heap, incapacitated, with neither the energy nor will to do anything?








I ask myself, how much more of this I can take.

I tell myself, I oughta tell him what I think of the lectures. I oughta tell him to practice what he preaches. I oughta tell him that he is quite possibly the one perceiving things.

Then I say to myself, perhaps things will be better the next time.

And so I don't say a word.

Coward.