like dust in the wind

And I thought things are actually getting better.

It happened again. Mom has issues at work, complains about it at home, starts dredging up the past and starts accusing everyone of various things. Dad becomes pissed, starts lecturing. Mom thinks she's got it the worst, Dad attempts to make her see the actual problem but in a confrontational way which leads to Mom being more adamant that she's got it the worst.

I find it most contradictory how they are sometimes. My dad 's always going on about how we shouldn't procrastinate and stuff but when it comes down to it, he's guilty of the same thing time and time again. Take for example my continuation registration. When the exchange rate was low, I kept telling him to buy the bank draft before the exchange rate when back up, so that we can not only have cost saving, we can settle the thing fast. But he just kept dragging it until it was getting to close to the deadline, and by then the exchange rate went up again, and he started cursing and swearing. Believe me, I was real tempted to say "I told you so", but I knew nothing good's gonna come out of that so I held my tongue. My mom, on the other hand, alwasy goes on about how stubborn different I turned out compared to her: "I'm not like that leh, dunno why you turn out like that" or "dunno why I have a child like you leh". But she doesn't see, or maybe does not WANT to see that we are equally stubborn. She stubbornly insists that she's got it the worst, just like I once did. In all honesty, I use to dislike, almost hate, my family, thinking how horrible my life is because of the numerous fights between my parents since I was, I dunno, 5? But I'd like to think that I'm changing. I'd like to think that I'm able to see a slightly bigger picture now. See the forest not the tree huh? Haha.

I suppose only believe in what we want to believe. Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true. But what we don't want to believe might just be the truth. Yea, truth hurts. But truth is also sobering. It shows you how far you have deviated from what really is. But what remains to be seen is, now that you know the truth, what are you going to do about it? Am I going to just sit there lamenting and beating myself up for the mistake forever? Or wil I, after lamenting (coz let's face it, we gotta lick our wounds first), try to see what I can do to improve the situation, improve myself? Do I have to change my mindset a little? Do I have to improve on my behaviour and actions?

Of course, saying all this is easy. To actually change, it's hard. But no one said it was impossible. In any case, I'm worth changing myself for.

Wanna get back at life for the shit it throws at you sometimes? Live on. Living is really the best revenge. And I'll do that. Or die trying =) But at least I would have tried.

("She dead while she was living". I'd like this on my headstone. Too bad land is scarce, so it's unlikely I'll have a headstone. XD)